I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.