George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.