When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I drew y’all a little something.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
When ur friends with white people
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no