Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.