I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point