Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me too
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
😂😂😂
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!