6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…