Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
how to have an accident 101
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.