My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
nothing saves money like being antisocial
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.