The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
(by @ZachWeiner )
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?