“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
the simulation is moving too fast
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.