BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You Might Also Like
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
The Joker was right
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer