If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.