Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]