I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Omg 🤣
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.