I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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me 2 months after i graduated
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
why am I working on Labor Day
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?