never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”