Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?