Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.