ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Pizza is an emotion right?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?