I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again