Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*