Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
#SaturdayBears
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.