[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?