HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
You Might Also Like
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Got ya covered
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.