Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.