*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*