Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
how to have fun when you’re poor
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture