Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
broke down and did it
Just me?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*