scrabbled eggs
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
technically true but not a great slogan
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix