[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed