OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir