Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Previously On Persistence 😎