“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me, flirting😏
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead