If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
You Might Also Like
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Don’t talk down to me
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?