Me irl
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
huge if true: the moon
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.