[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam