How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this