I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals