guys I’m going home
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.