In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Breaking news:
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My life in a nutshell
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP