[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children