Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
This 4th of July, please remember…
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.