we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa