Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers