Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!