“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Don’t we all.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
the short answer to this question
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.