me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package