Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
it be like that
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.