Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You deplete me
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The funk soul brother
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger